As many of you know, My wife has been pregnant for about 9 months. We introduced our Daughter into the World on January 11th. In the first 11 days, there are a few things that I would not be living without and I wanted to share those with my fellow new and expecting parents.
1: Two Changing Tables
I know what you are thinking, ” One on both levels? That is smart. Less walking up and down the stairs.” I live in a ranch. No. That isn’t it. You will be shocked at the number of times you will be changing your baby and she either starts pissing the second you take her diaper off creating a lake of piss that she is in the middle of or gets shit all over the mat. We have a mat in our room and one in the nursery. I pick up the naked baby and run to the other mat to continue the changing there and clean up the first mat after. It is nearly impossible to clean your babys entire body while also cleaning the mat she is laying on due to her somehow producing more shit than the total mass of her body.
#2 Bassinet On Wheels
As I said, I live in a ranch. We have a bassinet on wheels and it is incredible. We are able to wheel the baby from room to room and let her nap without having us hold her. They make little things that you can lay a baby in that you can put on the couch, but we have a dog and are worried he would accidentally jump on her. Our dog is a very good dog, but he’s an idiot. He has tackled our niece a few times before just by trying to play with her.
Not that I don’t love holding my daughter, but sometimes I want to eat a snack or just chill. Holding her makes that nearly impossible. The fear that with the wrong move she will break and her entire life will be fucked up. Eff that. Just lay in the bassinet.
#3 Baby Brezza
You know what makes me want to shoot myself? Heating up a bottle at 3am while a 3 day old baby is screaming her head off. The Baby Brezza takes that completely out of the picture. This is probably going to sound like an ad, but this thing is fucking awesome. Waiting 15 minutes for water to get a bottle to room tempurature is infuriating. Being able to just press a button has helped my blood-pressure and reduced the number of times I think about driving my car into the Hudson River. My kitchen counter currently has a Kuerig that I use, the Nespresso that my wife uses and the Baby Brezza for the baby. We all have our Kuerigs.
#4 Momcozy Dish Washer
Again, not an ad. But having dirty bottles pile up only to realize you are completely out of clean ones while the baby is screaming is something that will have you contemplating taking yourself out to the pasture. This is a dishwasher that sits on your counter and drains into your sink. For some reason, baby’s need special dish soap. This makes it easy to keep your baby’s things separate from your things. I have not ran out of clean bottles since making this purchase. I have not contemplated shooting myself in the face. It even keeps the bottles warm! You can store them in this thing and it will sanitize and warm them throughout the day! Crazy!
Having a baby is stressful and sometimes makes you want to off yourself if you are incredibly weak minded, like myself. These things have all made my life SO much easier. I am sure my blood pressure is doing incredibly better. I have more time in the day now to write these dumb blogs and sketches. I can watch a little more TV – Which is great with Night Agent and The Recruit both coming out in a few days.
A Fan With A Mic 