Yes. It is me. I am that guy.
I want to start by saying it was not a fart. In it’s simplest form; that is what happened here. I was sending out some emails, went to push out a fart aaaaaaand wet. Very wet. Very not good. Luckily there is a toilet only a couple feet away from my desk and my wife was not home. The waddle of shame was not very far and only my dog saw it – and he is used to me acting like a jackass when my wife is not home.
Last night, I had a massive steak dinner and have not really eaten anything today that isn’t coffee, pop-tarts or little bites. I did not know that this was a recipe for a hot-luiquidy-smelly disaster. I don’t want to get too into details, but in my trip to the bathroom, the best way to describe what happened was that I was shitting piss. Food poisoning maybe?
I am not a frequent pants shitter, but I am good for a yearly slip-up. I did come very close in the gym after eating Burger King though. It was pretty exhilarating to say the least. I got a nice rush of energy and was so ready to get some stuff accomplished in the second half of the day. So of course I am ignoring my actual work to write this blog.
I feel absolutely no shame about this at all. Not sure if you have ever heard of the famous children’s book – it’s called everybody poops. Guess what that means? Everyone shits themselves every once in a while too. Maybe someone should write an adult book talking about that. Anyone who says they have had dry-skid free underwear for the last 10 years is either a liar and one Chalupa away from a disaster.
The American died simply is a diet that ruins underwear. I wish it were different – I really do. But all the red meat, sugar, potatoes, and grease that is consumed on a daily basis will force ones stomach to erupt with some very disturbing stuff. Include the fact that most of us consume a gallon of coffee every day – its over. It is honestly impressive that our sewer system isn’t a complete disaster.
Alright, I hope you enjoyed reading about my bowel movements there – probably while you are having a bowel movement yourself. Carry on with your day.
A Fan With A Mic 