Yearly Doctor Appointments Are Fucking Weird

I just got home from my yearly doctor appointment and let me tell ya, I do not enjoy it. I understand the importance of going to the doctor. I have a history of heart disease, so I go to make sure my body is still in impeccable shape and those Flintstone Vitamins are still doing Gods work against any and all diseases that might come my way.

It always starts the same. Sitting in a stuffy waiting room that has one person coughing and sneezing up a storm while having no regard for anyone else waiting and does not even pretend to cover their mouth. When my name is finally called, it feels like I won the lottery. I scan around the room, make eye contact with a few people basically saying “yea, that’s right. I’m before you. What ya gonna do?”The magical nurse with my name on a chart takes my hight, weight and proceeds to take me into a small, cold, colorless room.

This is where everything starts to do downhill. She takes my blood pressure and temperature and says, “The doctor will be right in. Take off your shirt.” as she walks out of the room laughing menacingly. I sit on that table with a piece of paper on it for about 15 minutes with no shirt on while my nipples turn into tiny knives. The doctor finally comes in, asks a few questions and checks my nose, ears and mouth. He saves the entire point of having my shirt off for the very end. Yes, that means we have very serious conversations about my health while I am shirtless.

When the doctor is done with me he throws a piece of paper at me in a similar fashion as to when I was in college with a girl over and .. Never-mind .. I go to a back room to get blood drawn (really the only reason I go to the doctor) and the urine test. I’m a psychopath, I watch as I am getting blood drawn – so that part doesn’t bother me at all. I am very pee shy and it is always difficult for me to successfully pee in a cup. There was a time that I just took the cup home and pretended that I never got the cup. I was a 24 years old and healthy person, so they just ignored it until the following year when all 4 people I am forced to talk to said “weird, you didn’t get a urine test last year.” I of course just played dumb and said “weird.”

Leaving the appointment is when you have the most awkward conversation on the fucking planet. You are asked “Are you free at 9AM in one year for your next appointment?” I don’t know why, but I always make it sound like I am so busy that I have to think about what I am doing is THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS FROM NOW! I always take a two second pause before I say “uhhhh, yea I think that should work” I am given a card with the date and time of the appointment that is lost within 15 minutes of me walking out the door.

Doctor appointments are very important. But they are so fucking weird. Maybe we can figure out a better way to do this and not make people feel as uncomfortable as possible.