As The New York/New Jersey area is getting decimated by snow, I thought about the days of having a snow day as a kid. Playing CoD for way too much time. I also thought about getting the mass call in college that classes were cancelled, so you rolled a few blunts and cracked open the beers at 10AM. Nothing better.
I am now a married homeowner and words can not express how much I fucking hate the snow. Everything about it. So I am going to give a rundown of the evolution of how snow days are at each phase of life.
Elementary/Middle School
This was the absolute best. These days always started the night before. I wore my pajamas inside out and backwards to get the good juju in the air. I am still fully convinced that without putting that juju in the air, I would’ve had 0 snow days as a kid. Side note: I think I just solved global warming ..
Back to the real matter at hand. These mornings and Christmas were the only morning I woke up before my parents. My brother and I turned the news on and sat there with our eyes glued to the television to see if our school would come up on the bottom ticker as closed. Of course while we waited, we would trash every other school in the area. “Oh of course they’re closed. They’re so soft.” When you see your school come up, you get the snow clothes on and run into the backyard.
By noon, you were on your 10th game of Search and Destroy on CoD with the boys. Yes, this is how my parents learned that I am aware of every curse word in the book. No care in the world besides improving your KD – the good old days.
High School
This was when reality really starts hitting with the snow days. I was always awoken every 2 hours by my dad throwing a shovel at me to get up and help shovel the driveway, because it is easier to not let the snow get heavy .. apparently. When you get up for that 6 or 7 am shift, you just can’t go back to sleep. But you’re a teenager, so you aren’t going to play in the snow. So you power up that Xbox and none of your friends are on, because they are either sleeping or working their shoveling shift. You still power through and play a few games.
By noon you are simply bored shitless and don’t know what to do. when it stops snowing, there was always an attempt to go hangout with some friends. This is when you learn that driving in the snow is equally as difficult as making 41 consecutive free throws – shout-out Barstool Sports who successfully did that. The decision is always made by the person driving to call it a night to ensure you don’t die. This is when the snow day gets fun. This is when Search and Destroy comes back in your life! The biggest difference is that now you suck and a bunch of 9 year olds, who have all slept with your mother, are kicking the shit out of you.
College
This was the peak. Some of the best days of my life happened on these days. Most college students are in a dorm or apartment – no shoveling. You see snow in the forecast and everybody stocks up to have a fucking DAY. Once you get the call that classes are cancelled, beers are cracked and blunts are lit. I was in college during the prime of Fortnite and we rotated one person playing and started stacking up dubs. The local fraternity – that I was not in, but was very friendly with a bunch of guys in – always announced a rager starting in the early afternoon and we simply partied the entire night.
The best part of college was that even if there wasn’t an official snow day, you just took one. Fuck the man. When my heart is set on drinking for 14 straight hours, that’s what I’m going to do. No one can tell me otherwise.
Adulthood
FUUUUUUUUCK the snow. In this remote work world, you don’t actually have a day off. As mentioned before, I am a married homeowner. Shoveling is 100% on me and words can not express how much I hate it. My wife always tells me “It’s just like mowing the lawn.” Not the fuck it is not! I am in physical pain from the cold. My hands and feet feel like they’re going to fall off. Lastly, IT IS MANUAL LABOR! I am not walking up and down the lawn on a beautiful summer morning listening to a podcast. I am listening to David Goggins call me a pussy and physically picking up heavy ass snow and throwing it to the side over and over again.
The driving in the snow being insanely hard is back in your life. And at this point in your life – it is even worse. You realize the amount of morons that are allowed to operate a vehicle is WAAAAY too high. You also have to get in the car and go somewhere if you are driving. You aren’t just driving around for shits and giggles. You will notice the people who are doing that – just like you did less than 10 years ago – and get irrationally angry at them for clogging up the shitty roads. There is of course always the “Is this town even trying to clear off the roads?” questions that get screamed while the car is doing its best Tokyo Drift impersonation.
My final point: Fuck the snow. I might be in favor of global warming if it means it will not snow anymore.
A Fan With A Mic 