What will The Super Bowl Coast? My fucking sanity.
Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday and I just have to get off my chest how much I hate Super Bowl Parties. They are fun if you are with your buds who you text for 15 hours on Sundays about the NFL. But that is never what Super Bowl parties are. You are always surrounded by people who have absolutely no interest in watching the game, but want to talk about the commercials the whole time. Or .. Even worse – the people who watch 1 football game/year and they take The Super Bowl to attempt to learn everything about The NFL.
Is my take being stolen from Bill Burr? Let’s call it “lateral thinking” .. Shout out Amy Schumer. In all seriousness if I have to explain to you what a false start is, I do not want to be in the same building as you during this game. If you even attempt to ask me who someone is who got the ball, there will be thoughts of strangling you floating around my head. So just don’t come, or shut the fuck up for the next about 7 hours because The Super Bowl is so ridiculously long and filled with stupid fluff.
As I have mentioned in my blog a few weeks ago about how I don’t want The Chiefs to go to The Super Bowl, I don’t think I will be able to handle people talking about Taylor Swift and her boyfriend (that is 100% how it will be phrased) for an entire night. If you want my take, read that blog. It has nothing to do with Taylor or Travis – it has everything to do with people who do not know anything about football who will feel like they know something that is going on which they will lean on all game. I might drive my head through a goddamn wall.
I have talked a few times about how I get very irritated by stupidity very easily and so strongly that it is absolutely something I should talk to a therapist about. But this is not a just me thought! This is something a lot of people agree with. Just like on Sundays, I would MUCH rather sit at home, make some wings and yell at the television in the comfort of my own home. I do not want to teach someone what a football is while I am watching a game with this months mortgage on the line!
I know what you’re thinking, “dude, just stay home..” That is what I said! But according to my wife, that makes me look like a crazy person. When I let her know I could not care less about that, she lets me know that she cares a lot about people not knowing she married a goddamn psychopath. Which ya know what? That’s understandable. When you’re married, you simply lose every argument. I’ll just go to whatever party we are supposed to go to – drink free beer, eat free food and stew in my anger becasue someone is asking me “When was the last time these guys won a Super Bowl, I don’t want to root for someone who just won.” This year I am truthfully excited to explain to someone, who will inevitably ask me this question to give an absolutely moronic reason to root for a team, that The Chiefs have been in it 3 times in the last 4 years and will be in it basically every year for the next 20 years, but the 49ers are one of the most successful franchises all-time and essentially bought a super team.
Words can’t explain the joy I will feel as that assfuck is they are absolutely perplexed – looking like the Zach Galifianakis meme in Hangover trying to figure out who to root for.
Make no mistake: this is absolutely the only positive about going to a party – and it is a this year only thing.
A Fan With A Mic 