As we all know, many have tried to write a hit piece on Dave Portnoy. Many have used accusations that Dave can easily dispel because they are flat out lies. I am here to give you an actual hit piece with 5 bullet points that are entirely truthful.
Number 1: House Is Too Big
Dave Portnoy claims to be a man of the people, yet has a house that is so large he loses his coffee. As a true simple man I lose my car keys from time-to-time, but repeatedly losing a coffee is something only the true elites can do.
Portnoy talks about how the renovations to his Florida home have been astronomically expensive. He has been on record saying he has no idea how much the house will cost him. I don’t know about you, but I just redid my floors in my house and had to count every penny of the investment.
Number 2: Has Bad Shoulders
Dave Portnoy had one of his long-time employees, KFC, say this half-court “shot” in Orlando may not even be him! It might be true that Portnoy would have played baseball for The Boston Red Sox and hitting 40+ dingers a year while also leading The NFL in rushing for The Patriots if his shoulders were functioning the way God intended. But the simple fact is that they are hanging on by a thread meaning Portnoy can’t even make it anywhere near the rim on a half-court shot.
Number 3: Runs Funny
“The Big 3” at Barstool (Portnoy, KFC, Big Cat) did an NFL combine with an actual scout and Portnoy made headlines with how his sprint looks like a power walk. Good observation by KFC. Dave takes tiny strides and looks like he isn’t moving at all – but he was the fastest one ..
Portnoy is right in saying that the short strides are a big advantage when playing running back in the NFL. It also doesn’t exactly hatter how you look rounding the bases during a home run trot either.
It still looks funny.
Number 4: Can’t Pronounce Misogynistic
In this phone call, you can hear Portnoy trying to say Misogynist or Misogynistic – probably the latter. Barstool has since posted videos of Portnoy mispronouncing the word about a decade ago and a video of every-time he says “mysogynic”. Since I want to keep myself and the other reporters on the same playing field – I only gave myself 45 seconds to find those videos on twitter and couldn’t.
Number 5: Values Small Businesses Over Truthful Pizza Ratings
This might be my favorite video on the internet. But in this video, Portnoy admits that he grades his pizzas on a curve because he knows what a bad score could do to the business. Dave Portnoy is the most influential people on the planet for pizza. He is willing to risk his pizza rating integrity, so a small business doesn’t go under? I know that about 90% of the world would agree with his thought process, but there is a 10% – like the clown in this video – who would disagree.
So there you have it. 5 things that you could actually put into a hit piece about Dave Portnoy. He is not a perfect man. Just an overly successful man with terrible shoulders and weird running style that prohibit him from becoming a pro-athlete who cares way too much about small businesses.
A Fan With A Mic 