Self Checkouts Are Great – But At A Price.

Whenever a self checkout kiosk is available, I will go out of my way to use it. If I can have absolutely no human contact when shopping, I am going to take it every single time. The only issue is that every once in a while you will have to deal with some very dumb and unobservant people who for some reason do not see the “CARD ONLY – CASH NOT ACCEPTED AT KIOSK” signs right on the machine. The rage that I get filled with when I see someone looking around the kiosk for where they can put the cash in while I stand there waiting for them to leave probably is something I should talk to a professional about.

Every once in a while you will accidentally double scan something or scan something the machine does not want you to scan and requires an actual employee to scan. The amount of fear an panic that pours over me can only be related to that of a passenger of the Titanic as the stern of the boat started to rise into the air while the bow began being completely submerged into the Atlantic ocean. There is always a large ear-piercing beep followed by a robotic woman announcing to the entire store that you need employee assistance. This is typically all going on while the screen turns red and some light emerges from behind the kiosk and starts flashing red like you are some kind of criminal trying to steal a bag of Doritos.

I always cowardly put my head down and peak to the line of people waiting for me to see who is watching. I can say with absolute certainty 100% of those nosy fucks are trying to figure out what I did wrong – just thinking of how much of an idiot I am that I can’t just scan a bag of Doritos and put a card into a machine. Quick shout out to the stores that have someone standing there waiting for this to happen, so they can come in like a goddamn Avenger and type in their employee code so I can make the walk of shame out of the store and to my car. The store that force me to wander about to find an employee to help – Fuck you.

I understand these struggles at the kiosks are a necessary evil, so people don’t steal – but most importantly: you’ll know who the dummies are that you will want to let pull out of the parking lot before you do.