I want to start with this hour long conversation Chris Distefano did with Pete was absolutely incredible and I highly recommend watching it. At time stamp 13:40 Chris asked the question that everyone has been wondering for decades: What do you do when you have to poop mid-game? BOY did Pete let us know the strategy.
Pete explained the process is to basically give yourself a hemorrhoid by forcefully pushing out everything and proceeding to speed wipe. This process sounds like there is a 92.6% chance there will still be poop in your butt. I will also say there is roughly a 48.23% chance players poop and do not wash their hands. This begs the questions I will now begin thinking about every game; How many players on the field have poop in their butt? I would set the over under at 2.5 and that is both teams – only players in the game. Does the pitcher have poopy hands and is he giving everyone on the field pink eye? Yes is the only correct answer. Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to pink eye, that shits gross.
The pressure of having a limited time to evacuate your bowels is a pressure that I can only imagine is similar to running to take a piss in a Call of Duty pregame lobby at 3am on a warm 2009 summer night. The dead sprint to the toilet, the pushing out the piss, no time for washing your hands, the dead sprint back to the Xbox controller only to realize you had a little drippage on your shorts. What I am trying to say is, anyone who has been able to accomplish this, knows exactly what an MLB player feels like when he is sitting on the toilet and hears “2 outs!”
There is also a rule that you are not allowed to shit in the dugout toilet. The players run all the way to the clubhouse to shit. They call it a juju thing and I relate FULLY. I imagine these pro-players using that to haze rookies and yell “He’s shitting in the pisser!” which of course would be followed by a season worth of torment. I also envision when someone gets called up, they get shown around the clubhouse and when they get shown where the dugout toilet is they are given specific instruction to not shit in the pisser.
A Fan With A Mic 