Turtles are fucking dope. No one can deny that. In New Jersey, we are taking every precaution to save those hollow-dumb-majestic creatures. Before you get pissed, look at the picture below that I found on wikepidia while reading 0% of the article about turtles – they’re hollow. Also they willingly eat plastic straws and plastic bags, so .. dumb.
Anyway, New Jersey decided to make plastic straws and plastic bags illegal. When did this happen? Not 100% sure, but a couple months ago I walked into a Wawa after work to grab a couple Body Armors. I decided to get 4 drinks and had to figure out how to carry them to my car and back into my house. This was one of the worst shopping experiences I have ever had. Until I went grocery shopping. I was totally unable to the most Alpha-Male thing I am capable of doing .. bring in way too many groceries in one trip.
Having to take almost double digit trips to bring in my late night snacks for the week was the most exercise I have had since high school – which was the last time I participated in sports. My immediate thought was ‘Fuck them Turtles’. After calming down, I realized eventually I would get used to it. After a month and a half – I could not be more wrong. The many trips and the many times struggling to walk out of Wawa began haunting me at night.
I started waking up in cold sweats and panics just thinking about all the potential issues that would happen. Especially that hoagiefest has begun, the threat of dropping that $5 shortie has gone up by at least 73.6%. What if I leave a jar of peanut in my trunk and my car gets overran by a bunch of ants? I would have to torch the car and get a new one. IN THIS ECONOMY?! No Way Jose!
I was upset when McDonalds started giving me a paper straw, those bad boys make the most ear scratching noise. Side Note: I thought it was funny McDonlads replaced their paper cups with plastic cups at the exact same time. But at least they gave us a paper straw! I now have to go out a buy bags for the store? Please reference my last two sentences of the last paragraph.
In conclusion, plastic bags are way more vital to human survival than the threat they pose on turtles. It would be way more beneficial to me if we could train the turtles to avoid plastic bags. I also said turtles are majestic and dope at the start, so fuck off if you’re upset.
A Fan With A Mic 